i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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