i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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