im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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