I just threw up on my dentist
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
