Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
