I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
3pm strippers are depressing
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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