if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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