I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
