I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
