I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
