I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
