if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
