party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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