do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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