My Higher Power is John Stamos
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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