When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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