Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
