dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
