stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
