Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
