Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize