from now on my penis is your penis
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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