Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
