i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dicks are not precious.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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