ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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