Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
