I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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