I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
