can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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