how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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