i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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