I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
porn star boner night. come get it.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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