Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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