My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
