Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
