I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I love you. Go after that dick
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
