Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just threw up on my dentist
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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