I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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