Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
