I wish I could teleport
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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