I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize