Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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