It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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