all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
