No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize