He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
