My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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