Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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