if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
