Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
