Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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