I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
