Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize