he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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