if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
