He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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