Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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