How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
