they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
