Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize