Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
