I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
