You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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