Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
