i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
soo... how was my night?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
