Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize