I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
