i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
