He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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