Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
